New year and new start

It's now the year 2013. And this year feels like a momentous year.

The reason? Well unbeknown to me, all of last year I was waiting. I was waiting for my second and final dose of the Big A. I didn't realise that I felt like I was carrying a weight. My life felt on hold until I had the treatment. And now I have had it. And I feel free.

Weirdly it feels a little scary to be free and not having the excuse of an upcoming treatment to blame my woes and my reluctance and my hesitancy on.

It feels a bit like I am leaving home for the first time with the MS nurse becoming my mother patting me on the head and saying: "Off you go child, make your way. You father (neurologist) and I have provided you with everything we can. Now it is your turn."

I admit I rebelled in the first few weeks after the second Big A. I became a petulant child and took delight in telling anyone and everyone how hard life was for me. Slamming the fridge door in a Kevin-the-teenager kind of way grunting: "It's so UNFAIR!"

Shocked family and friends who I have always shielded from the real truth of how I feel about having MS were gobsmacked at the venomous truth which I answered their well meaning questions on how I was feeling that day.

And then all of a sudden and with considerable relief, I felt calm again.
I disliked the rage and the frustration and the ball of fury which had taken over my being.
I'm now back to being me.

But the anxiety lingers about the future. I realise this is because I have focused only on getting the second dose of the Big A and haven't really thought further than that.
So new year and new start.

I've been given a chance at a relatively-free MS life so I need to grasp it and crack on. I've got to make the most of this thing.
And I am going to.

Day three after round two

This weekend has been a mixture of feeling pretty weak and pathetic along with the continuation of the MS symptoms that have re-emerged and an agonising and relentless feeling of anger.
I am raging at the world.
Feelings of self-pity and 'poor me' wrack my mind and I am so bloody cross at everything.
Every little thing feels like a slight and to those poor souls - family and friends who I love dearly - who are just getting on with their lives and haven't been in touch to see how I am, well I'm afraid you have borne the brunt of my wrath.
If it is any consolation, I know I am being unreasonable and I also know that my anger is misdirected. But bear with me because at the moment, try as I might, I can't help it. I will sort my head out soon I promise. Normal service will resume soon.
I just need some sympathy at the moment. I don't want to be strong. I want people to see I need a bit of TLC. Just for a bit. Just an acknowledgement would suffice.
Boo hoo hoo!
The depth of my self indulgence knows no bounds.
Physically, I feel stronger than I did yesterday but I think a fair description of how I feel is: "Strength of the louse".
Standing up for too long make me feel light headed. And I keep falling asleep at the drop of a hat.
The scorched cheek syndrome has thankfully calmed down and yesterday I only took one anti-histimin and today (so far) none. So we are on the road to recovery.
My appetite is still on over-drive which I'm blaming on the steroids but if I'm perfectly truthful is probably because I am feeling blue. I wish I was one of those people, who in times of trauma forgets to eat. Ha! If only. I have the opposite. In crisis? Reach for the crisps. Feeling low? Swallow back that chocolate. I'm like a cliche but hey, it's my cliche so I'm gonna embrace it.
And on that note, I can hear the toaster so I'm going sign off. I've got to keep my energy up after all.
PS. I have a new follower on Twitter. They make walking sticks. Funky walking sticks I may add but walking sticks all the same. I'm hoping I will never have to use their service.