Realising I am fighting a losing battle has never been a strong point of mine. But my MS monster has other ideas and is letting me know in no uncertain terms that sometimes I need to stop fighting and give up.
It's the old fatigue again.
It's finally won. I can't push on anymore.
My shifts in work are pretty insane with the level of intensity needed and for the last few weeks battling through shifts I've noticed a couple of worrying things.
Weird little black floating spots cross my vision. I keep seeing spiders climbing on me in my peripheral vision which has me panic hunting the imaginary beastie. Little electric shocks run down my arms into my hands. Driving home is an effort of untold proportions in order to keep my concentration on the job in hand. Most days, the 15 minute drive home is a total blur when I finally fall through the door and onto the sofa.
I won't lie - it's worrying me a bit.
Recently I attended a newly diagnosed with MS workshop. I can't say I was looking forward to it much. And my fears weren't without foundation. Seeing people with MS which was affecting their daily lives in a really negative way in terms of their balance, their mobility, their swallowing, their memory was quite breath-taking and got me wondering when it was going to get me like that.
I sound selfish - I probably am. But quite frankly, this is my MS and I'll deal with it how I want to. (All said in a very whiney and snotty little voice.)
Everyone there seemed to be dealing with their demon in their own way. Some seemed - on the face of it at least - positive and hopeful. Some seemed desperate for some kind of cure. Some seemed defeated while others seemed like they were taking on the fight of their lives.
The monster was lurking in every one of the MSers there. The stand out observation for me was not one person there could understand what the hell they had done to deserve this thing intruding into their lives.
But back to my current woes that fatigue is becoming more and more apparent in my life. At the MS day I learned there are such things as fatigue management workshops happening locally - something that I fully intend to embrace when the chance comes up. I'll let you know how I get on.
Onto other things, I've just had an invite to another neurology appointment - wonder if it will involve another MRI scan? I'm quite interested to see if the Big A treatment has prevented any new lesions forming since I had the first round in November.
So I'll sign off now - I don't feel too positive at the moment and for that I apologise. Hopefully when I say hello next time, I'll be feeling a bit more myself. Until then, I'll keep my upper lip stiff, my chin held up high and the very best of British attitude to stop me from falling apart.