Monday 31 October 2011

Have I really got it? Really?

Two weeks today and I will be starting the Big A (alemtuzumab).

But suddenly I am actually wondering whether I need it or not. For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling so well. 

I don't feel tired. I don't feel unsteady. I don't feel a bit weird behind the eyes. I haven't had a spasm for weeks. I don't feel worried about going out on my own in case my balance decides to diminish suddenly. And my skin doesn't feel tingly and numb.

Could the neurologist have made a mistake?? All of a sudden, I had this feeling crawling all over me that it was all a huge error on his part. He'd got it wrong. Those brain scans which showed multiple new lesions were nothing but a lie.

In a fit of hope, I rang my wonderful MS nurse. 

"So, um, I know this might sound like a weird question but, um, do you reckon it's been a mistake?" I asked her hesitating for a split second wondering to myself if this poor woman was going to think she's got a total loon on her hands.

A deathly silence for all of 10 seconds. Count it in your head... it's a long time waiting for an answer which could shatter your dreams.

"I know what you are saying," came the reply in a kind and gentle way, "but your neurologist is truly excellent at his job and it's really unlikely that he would get it wrong."

"Just enjoy feeling well blah blah blah..."

I knew I was being a fool for asking because of course they wouldn't get the diagnoses wrong but the hope that had flooded through me that they were wrong really had started to convince me that this MS was just a dark and horrible nightmare which I was about to wake up from.

So now, I'm back to trying to come to terms with this thing. 

At least the alemtuzumab dream is still there.

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