Tuesday 22 January 2013

Confidence hangover

Sometimes things are set to try us.
Sometimes we overcome them. Other times no matter how hard we try, we can't.
And on the odd occasion, we won't even bother to attempt to get through it. We just let it happen.
I find myself being tried by something I don't even know how to get over.
My current crisis is: I have lost my confidence.
It hasn't been a sudden thing, it has been a long, slow creep. 
I doubt everything these days.
Questions on how and why something and everything is happening haunt me. 
And friendly teasing about my personality traits from those closest to me suddenly feels like merciless cruelty.
Doubt and loathing are now almost daily currency in how I view myself.
I find myself waiting for everyone and anyone who is close to me to also realise what I am. And to quickly rush upstairs, pack a holdall and run screaming from the house, without a backward glance. Never to return. Everything feels temporary now. Nothing seems permanent and it all feels so fragile - and breakable.
I've become self obsessed.
And this is a pretty embarrassing confession to make. 
We've all got friends or family members who literally cannot even contemplate that the world doesn't revolve around them and what they are doing.
We love them and we cosset them and we allow them to believe that they are the universe's centre, all done with a wry smile and a fond shake of the head.
But I now find myself in a position where I too have become self obsessed and am all consumed with me.
How ridiculous! What on earth has happened?
But try as I might, I cannot seem to get through this challenge to put me back where I was - confident, happy but a bit of a worrier.
The only thing I can muster these days is the worry. 
I smile occasionally, I even laugh sometimes. 
But the confidence has slipped.
It is currently lying on the floor in a heap. As if it has been out on a hard drinking session and has only just made it back home. Unable to make it up the stairs to bed, it just lay on the floor. Its coat is half off. Its skirt is tucked into its knickers. Its blouse has a red wine stain and something a bit suspect down the front. Its carefully straightened hair has got wet and dried frizzy and now sports a little bit of sick in it and its lipstick is smeared over its face. Its tights are ripped and one of its shoes is lost. The contents of its handbag are strewn around it. Its purse lingers on the back seat of the taxi which drove the long route home. And the house key remains in the lock on the outside of the door which is still half open despite the cold weather. It's going to take some time for the life to get back into Confidence and when it does, it is going to have a very bad headache.
So what can I do to help poor Confidence get back onto its feet? I can but offer it time and a bit of TLC and just wait until it is back on form.
And until it is ready, I just have to wait because I just don't know what else to do.

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