Monday, 7 January 2013

New year and new start

It's now the year 2013. And this year feels like a momentous year.

The reason? Well unbeknown to me, all of last year I was waiting. I was waiting for my second and final dose of the Big A. I didn't realise that I felt like I was carrying a weight. My life felt on hold until I had the treatment. And now I have had it. And I feel free.

Weirdly it feels a little scary to be free and not having the excuse of an upcoming treatment to blame my woes and my reluctance and my hesitancy on.

It feels a bit like I am leaving home for the first time with the MS nurse becoming my mother patting me on the head and saying: "Off you go child, make your way. You father (neurologist) and I have provided you with everything we can. Now it is your turn."

I admit I rebelled in the first few weeks after the second Big A. I became a petulant child and took delight in telling anyone and everyone how hard life was for me. Slamming the fridge door in a Kevin-the-teenager kind of way grunting: "It's so UNFAIR!"

Shocked family and friends who I have always shielded from the real truth of how I feel about having MS were gobsmacked at the venomous truth which I answered their well meaning questions on how I was feeling that day.

And then all of a sudden and with considerable relief, I felt calm again.
I disliked the rage and the frustration and the ball of fury which had taken over my being.
I'm now back to being me.

But the anxiety lingers about the future. I realise this is because I have focused only on getting the second dose of the Big A and haven't really thought further than that.
So new year and new start.

I've been given a chance at a relatively-free MS life so I need to grasp it and crack on. I've got to make the most of this thing.
And I am going to.

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