Shhhh - I don't want to say this too loud, but I feel so convinced this time that I'm going to say it.
I don't want to make too much song and dance about it but I have to share.
Ok *deep breath* here goes...
I think I might have got through the MS mind trip!
There I've said it.
And now for the disclaimer.
At least I feel like I have anyway.
I've said it before on this blog... and probably at the time I said it I meant it. And then all of a sudden a couple of weeks later I would write about how MS had got me in its mind trip grip again.
But today it feels different.
And believe it or not, it has all got to do with Northern lass, all around beauty and marathon runner Nell McAndrew.
Ever since that fateful day in June 2011 when I was diagnosed with MS, exercise has not been on top of my agenda.
But as a new year's resolution for 2013, I decided I would try and exercise a couple of times a week. And up until three and a half weeks ago, I was managing to stay on top of my resolution. I found a DVD called 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels and was managing to do one of her 20 minute work outs at least every other day.
And then I fell off the exercise wagon. It was a combination of my toddler developing a filthy habit of waking up a couple of times every night, a bit of a stressful time in work and general tiredness enhanced by not having a full night's sleep. It didn't take much for me to abandon my trainers and fall into a ball on the sofa every night rather than follow Jillian and her helpers as they tried to encourage me to tone up my midriff. Chocolate became my friend. And wine became my de-stresser.
"I'll start again tomorrow" became my mantra.
And suddenly the 30 day shred became the 30 day slob.
Enough was enough. And today I decided to give Nell's DVD a whirl.
It was great. It was hard, and I had to stop several times because my lungs felt like they were on fire and my legs had turned to stone, but it was great. Ok it did take nearly an hour for my red cheeks to return to normal colour but it felt so good to actually move again. Nell got me back into the exercise groove.
Then a few hours later, it dawned on me that despite being in an exercise void for nearly a month and feeling guilty for being so lazy, I hadn't (for the first time since becoming me with MS) blamed my inactivity on the monster.
As I reflected, I realised that unless I had been specifically asked - I hadn't even talked about having it. I hadn't spent time dwelling on it. Nor had I used it as an excuse to avoid an occasion.
So my conclusion is that after much soul searching I may actually have got through the MS mind trip.
I'm not saying it'll be the case all the time because I am sure I'll get my dark times again, but at the moment MS is at the back of the queue of everything else in my life.
Like an adolescent pup it tried to assert itself but I've shown it who is top dog and I've also made it quite clear its place in the pecking order is at the back.
And just to make it absolutely clear, I've blown a big raspberry at it and debagged it when its back was turned in a public place. Ha!